It's been awhile but I'll try to update you on
what's happened since my mom died.
We had an appointment at the Stanford Cancer Care
center and met with their head lymphoma doctor, Dr. Ash. He and the
Fellow working with him met with us for 2 hours, discussing Alex's case
history and how to proceed from here. We were uber impressed with these
doctors. They had done their homework; they had looked over Alex's
previous medical records (can't imagine how long that must have taken) and even
knew about Ian. They are conducting a study to try and detect lymphoma at
a cellular level via blood tests before the cancer shows up on any scans.
They will be running a specialized blood test on Alex to see if they can find
this 'needle in a haystack' in his blood. If they do, then Alex will be
included in this study. They also believe that his current battle with lymphoma
may have a different morphology than his first battle 17 years ago and will be
looking over bone marrow slides from almost 20 years ago (if they can locate
them) - they have quite a task ahead of them. We will return to Stanford
in August for more information and to see if he's a candidate for this
study. In the meantime, Alex will begin monthly infusions of Rituxin (a
monoclonal antibody) to help kill any microscopic traces of lymphoma that might
be left in his body.
In between, our work with the Foundation
continued....the Art Council Showcase judging, Artessey field trips for the
high schools, accepting applications for our annual award and the private art tour at our home of Ian's work.
We had mom's memorial service on Friday, April
27th in the Chapel at Grace Baptist church. This was to help accommodate
my brother and our daughter, Amy, coming down from Oregon. I've included
in here what I said at mom's service:
If any of you have wondered what my mom looked
like at 56, this is pretty much it, except for the grey hair but that’s because
mom was still dying hers at this point in her life.
In fact, I remember once, mom & I were
clothes shopping together and the store we were at had rather low doors in the
dressing area, so you could see the tops of ladies’ heads. I wandered
back there to see how she was doing and I couldn’t find her. I didn’t recognize
any of those heads. Finally, I called out her name and she answered,
directing me to the stall she was in…..I realized I couldn’t find her because I
had forgotten what color she was dying her hair. Mom had wisely decided to go
lighter as she matured.
Besides the physical resemblance to my mom, which
include her stout German legs and flaring nostrils I also inherited her strong
will, stubbornness and lack of shyness in expressing her thoughts and opinions.
That could lead to some conflicts between the two of us; I blame mom’s
inability to let go of her control issues and make allowances for MY control
issues. But we both came by these traits honestly as we come from a long
line of determined, vocal women. There is a long standing joke in our
family that the women are getting into heaven, because God promises that to
those who believe and we ARE holding Him to that promise. But God, in His
infinite wisdom, will be putting all of us in the far corner of heaven so we
don’t disturb anybody else.
My mom was very vocal about her faith and spoke
with God on a daily basis and sometimes gave Him an earful if she didn’t like
what He was doing at the time. She was also very vocal about the love she
had for her family and for my dad who was her lifelong partner. They were
a true example of a loving and committed marriage. But especially her
love for her grandchildren. She spent as much time with Alex, Amy and Ian
has we would allow and I had to remind her on a few occasions that Eric & I
actually had legal custody of the kids and she had to share them. I
realized from the very beginning, how fortunate I was to have parents who were
so close and who have played such a vital part in my kids’ lives. For
many years my mom & dad would take one of my kids out to dinner each week,
spending some precious one-on-one time with them. My mom knew this little
tradition wouldn’t last long, especially as they got older and other things
would become more important than spending time for grandma & grandpa.
But what delighted us was how long it did last, even into their teens, they enjoyed
that time spent with their grandparents talking over dinner. My mom was limited
in what she could do with the kids physically but she excelled at engaging them
in conversation.
We did not wake up on the morning of Good Friday
expecting that we would be saying good-bye to mom but what a perfect day for
God to call her home. Eric, Alex and I were in Ballard leaving flowers on
Ian’s grave for Easter when my dad called to say mom had become very ill and he
was calling 911. At the time, we didn’t know the severity of the
situation but I told dad I would head straight home and to the ER. As we
prepared to leave, I was looking at Ian’s headstone and the flowers we had left
and suddenly could hear Ian reassuring me, simply saying “It's ok mom, I got her.” I didn’t
quite understand what he meant by “I got her” but I left the cemetery at peace
knowing my mom was being looked after. Later I would find out that mom
never regained consciousness and I like to believe that it was at that moment
in the cemetery that God called her home and the voice I heard was literal –
she was home and in the presence of the God she loved and Ian was there to help
greet her.
We are thankful that mom is no longer in pain,
that she is no longer constrained by a body that was failing, that she lived to
see Alex go into remission, that she went quickly and peacefully, that she was
able to celebrate the best Easter she’s every had with her loved ones around
her
So mom, enjoy your time with the savior you have
loved most of your life, don’t give God too hard a time about the difficulties
down here and just remember that you have to share Ian when I get there.
Love you mom.
Just a few days after mom's service we took my
dad up with us for a vacation in Oregon - he hadn't been on a long trip in about
15 years. In fact, before we left, he called me a little perplexed...he hadn't packed for more than one day in years. He'd never been more than one night away from my mom in the last 15 years and wanted to make sure he had packed enough for the trip. We saw some beautiful scenery, visited with my brother Adam and
his wife Judith, spent time with Amy & Bradford, had the chance to reunite with a friend that I haven't seen in 22 years along with some of her family, spent a couple of nights
in Coos Bay before heading home (a total of 2100 miles) - we decided next time
we're flying. While in Coos Bay, we had a reminder that Ian was still
with us, in whatever sense is possible. We were walking through some
beautiful gardens at the ShoreAcres State Park and rounded a corner along the
path when we were greeted by a lone red robin just sitting in the middle of a
small grassy area like he was waiting for us. He stayed there for the
longest time, letting us talk to him and take pictures. God is gracious
enough to send us this reminder just when we least expect it but need it the
most.
A couple of lessons learned from our trip - Airbnb’s
are great! We stayed at a marvelous house on the bay - the perfect place
for our family to gather. Oregon takes really good care of their
bridges. The river's in Oregon are so serene and calming - also had some
Elk sightings while we were there. Coos Bay is not for us - most of the
housing seemed to be comprised of old, dilapidated homes, RV's or single wide
mobile homes.....but the scenery, oh my gosh! California's roads are horrible -
especially around Sacramento.
A real treat on the way home was stopping in
Carmichael to visit with old friends (literally - in age and duration) Wayne
and Nancy. My dad couldn't remember the last time he had seen them. It's
funny how some people have such an impact on your life...I can't remember a
time before Wayne & Nancy; they have just always been a part of my
life. It was so good to see them and we all picked up where we left off.
I didn't want to come back....I didn't want to
start 'real life' again, to deal with cancer and appointments and waiting but I
did because that's what I'm called to do right now and for my son, I will do
it.
Alex had his first infusion this last week and it
went very smoothly. Now we start the watching and waiting; my
favorite past-time. We've established care with a new cardiologist and am hoping
for the best. In the meantime, Alex is truly enjoying his work at Rancho
Bowl and they like him, he'll continue bowling with his grandpa over the
summer, we're in the busy season with the Foundation right now - giving away
money and getting ready for our art show for the VTC artists this
summer.....life goes on.
We had our first Mother's Day without mom, which
was also my parent’s anniversary and our anniversary (57 and 29 years,
respectively). I realized our anniversary card this year was the first
with only my dad's signature - that hit a little harder than I expected.
It also marked the 31st year since Eric's dad passed - all told, a full
emotional day. We've kind of started a new tradition, because
that's what you do when you lose someone, you make adjustments.....the usual
Sunday morning breakfast at my parent's house has shifted to my
house. We all have our parts to play, I do bacon and hash browns, my
brother Mike does the biscuits (mom's way), dad will sometimes do the fried
eggs and Alex puts the glasses in the freezer cuz OJ is just better with a
slight crunch to it. On pancake Sunday, Eric is in charge using Ian's
recipe.
The pastor on Sunday spoke about doubt and said
something that hit home...."If doubt leads to questions and questions
lead to answers and the answers are accepted, then doubt has done good work.
When you doubt, do not stop there, but let your doubt deepen your faith as you
continue to sincerely search for answers."
I've doubted...I doubted God's love for me, for
my family; I've doubted His plan; I've doubted His goodness; I've doubted the
reason for all that's happened to our family but those have led to deep-rooted
and honest questions and I'm beginning to see answers.....that's a good
thing.....that's progress. Those doubts and questions have forced me
to re-examine who I believe God is and how He works in our lives and
have helped solidify my Baptist roots in God's love for us, His
sacrifice for us and His desire above all else, to have us choose to follow and love Him. Even when we make poor choices...His
loving arms are always ready to welcome us home and into his arms.
