I was overwhelmed (translation = brought to tears) this week by unexpected blessings. I got a call from our Foundations credit card company reminding me that our card has a balance (from art supplies ordered for one of our programs) and could we please make a payment. I got online to discover it was an order I had placed the day before Alex was admitted to the hospital & has accrued two late payment fees. I was distressed to think the Foundation would be penalized for my forgetfulness so I gave them a call hoping they may be nice enough to remove some of the fee amounts but I got more than I bargained for. The representative who picked up was very kind when I explained about Alex and before we went any further she wanted to let me know she would be thinking & praying for us. That doesn’t happen very often. Then she said she could remove one fee as a ‘first time ‘ offender (my words not hers 😊). Then she was surprised, the system removed both late fees - now it was her turn to say ‘that never happens’. I thanked her profusely than headed out to the hospital to be with Alex while he's getting chemo.
On the way I stopped by Starbucks for fortification for the night ahead. A gal I know saw me driving up to the drive thru, rushed over to the window & wouldn’t take my card - she had given me her free drink...that doesn’t happen very often.
THEN I was serenaded by songs that God knew I needed to hear including a new favorite .... Broken Prayers.
I have found myself enveloped by Gods love & mercy lately. If you asked me two months ago if I would be saying this, my answer would be no. I don’t know how this story will end & I’m even less sure where it will take me. If we lose Alex I can’t predict what my response will be but I can see that God has taken me to a place I couldn’t have predicted two months ago.
The battle against cancer continues...
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Friday, January 5, 2018
Surrounded
Yesterday I took Alex in for his first PET scan since he started chemo. This would tell us whether the chemo was working. It would tell us whether we would need to start scanning the internet and relentelesly texting our doctor about new clinical trials. It would tell us if our son had a chance of beating this monster. It would tell us if we could breath again.
As I was getting ready to drive Alex to SLO for the test I was greeted by a text from a high school girlfriend with a link to a song....Reckless Love. I am not usually one for repetitive praise songs but that morning I needed it slammed into my brain the words of this song...."there is no shadow you won't light up, no mountain you won't climb up.... coming after me. No wall you won't break down, no lie you won't tear down...coming after me." I needed to be reminded that God loves us THAT much; that nothing will stop Him from pursuing us. He doesn't force us to love Him but he will pursue us. Have you ever tried to force someone to love you? What's the point? Love that is not freely given is meaningless - God knows that; that's why He gives us a choice. That's the God I grew up believing in and giving my heart to as a 12 year old girl. That's the God I needed to be reminded of Thursday morning. Lies that try to separate us from Him will be torn away
I get Rick Warren's daily messages and that morning was about Thanking God in advance. His whole series lately has been about what faith looks like. I've known, read about this truth my whole life but that morning I put it into practice......but timidly. I've been too afraid to ask for healing for Alex. We asked, begged for healing for Ian and it never came so I wasn't sure that God & I have the same definition of healing. His form took a much more painful route. But I was brave enough to ask for an improvement in Alex's scan....some hope that we were on the right track. What we got was so much more than I had dared hoped for.
I also clung to a promise God made to me when Alex was a baby. He told me quite clearly that 'He had already prepared Alex for everything that was ahead of him'. It happened as I was praying fervently over my son as we waited for his first surgery after his heart condition was diagnosed and I was quite lucid at that moment. I've always doubted how prepared I was for Alex's future but I wasn't promised that, just that Alex could handle what lay ahead......and that has proven true for the last 28 years.
I listened to KLove on the 45 minute drive up to SLO and EVERY song spoke about God's love and tenaciousness for us......I was surrounded that morning by reminders of a God who loves us. Or in the words from 'The Shack' a God who is 'especially fond' of all of his children.
Alex's scan was clear....it showed no signs of cancer. They call this a 'Complete Response'. I wish I could show you the difference between his initial scan and yesterdays....it is almost shocking. His entire body was 'lit up' with cancer - there was not one place that the cancer hadn't spread and it was terrifying. Today......nothing. There was some normal activity in the bone marrow and because we believe Alex's lymphoma started in his bone marrow we will confirm there are no cancer cells with a bone marrow biopsy but his doctor was very happy; ecstatic might be a better word.
Eric and I are cautiously optimistic only because Ian's first PET scan showed no cancer but that changed in just a few short months to an insidious cancer that we couldn't beat. So Dr. DiCarlo understands our hesitation but we are no less awed by this overwhelming answer to prayer. God was doing so much more than just reducing the cancer, He was eradicating it.
For the first time in 3 months, we can breath......and hope.
As I was getting ready to drive Alex to SLO for the test I was greeted by a text from a high school girlfriend with a link to a song....Reckless Love. I am not usually one for repetitive praise songs but that morning I needed it slammed into my brain the words of this song...."there is no shadow you won't light up, no mountain you won't climb up.... coming after me. No wall you won't break down, no lie you won't tear down...coming after me." I needed to be reminded that God loves us THAT much; that nothing will stop Him from pursuing us. He doesn't force us to love Him but he will pursue us. Have you ever tried to force someone to love you? What's the point? Love that is not freely given is meaningless - God knows that; that's why He gives us a choice. That's the God I grew up believing in and giving my heart to as a 12 year old girl. That's the God I needed to be reminded of Thursday morning. Lies that try to separate us from Him will be torn away
I get Rick Warren's daily messages and that morning was about Thanking God in advance. His whole series lately has been about what faith looks like. I've known, read about this truth my whole life but that morning I put it into practice......but timidly. I've been too afraid to ask for healing for Alex. We asked, begged for healing for Ian and it never came so I wasn't sure that God & I have the same definition of healing. His form took a much more painful route. But I was brave enough to ask for an improvement in Alex's scan....some hope that we were on the right track. What we got was so much more than I had dared hoped for.
I also clung to a promise God made to me when Alex was a baby. He told me quite clearly that 'He had already prepared Alex for everything that was ahead of him'. It happened as I was praying fervently over my son as we waited for his first surgery after his heart condition was diagnosed and I was quite lucid at that moment. I've always doubted how prepared I was for Alex's future but I wasn't promised that, just that Alex could handle what lay ahead......and that has proven true for the last 28 years.
I listened to KLove on the 45 minute drive up to SLO and EVERY song spoke about God's love and tenaciousness for us......I was surrounded that morning by reminders of a God who loves us. Or in the words from 'The Shack' a God who is 'especially fond' of all of his children.
Alex's scan was clear....it showed no signs of cancer. They call this a 'Complete Response'. I wish I could show you the difference between his initial scan and yesterdays....it is almost shocking. His entire body was 'lit up' with cancer - there was not one place that the cancer hadn't spread and it was terrifying. Today......nothing. There was some normal activity in the bone marrow and because we believe Alex's lymphoma started in his bone marrow we will confirm there are no cancer cells with a bone marrow biopsy but his doctor was very happy; ecstatic might be a better word.
Eric and I are cautiously optimistic only because Ian's first PET scan showed no cancer but that changed in just a few short months to an insidious cancer that we couldn't beat. So Dr. DiCarlo understands our hesitation but we are no less awed by this overwhelming answer to prayer. God was doing so much more than just reducing the cancer, He was eradicating it.
For the first time in 3 months, we can breath......and hope.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
God continues to speak......
I have been blessed with Godly friends who remind me that God loves me and my family. That God is intervening on our behalf against an enemy we can not see. That He gave us the power of praying in his name. That remind me that my perspective needs to shift from what He's not doing to what He IS doing.
We started Alex's second round of chemo on the 20th of December at a new place with new nurses with a new regimen for him. We had gone through a horrible day getting his port put in and were quickly finding out it was for nothing.....the port wasn't functioning. The premeds and saline they were giving him was simply pouring into his skin and swelling it up like a balloon - all that discomfort and waiting for nothing and I felt like it was my fault because I pushed for the port thinking it would save him from at least some pain. The decision was eventually made to abandon the port and have a PICC line put in.
I was angry....angry at the wasted time, of Alex's pain while they poked and prodded trying to access the port, angry for what he had gone through in getting the stupid thing implanted....so I remembered what my friend had said and called on Jesus' name to intervene. The answer came in a different form then I intended and not as quickly as I wanted but it came. After the PICC line was in, the rest of Alex's hospital stay was astonishingly smooth. He encountered none of the side effects he had during his first round of chemo. His nurses were wonderful; knowledgeable and attentive and we were home in time for Christmas.
Then we waited. We waited for the nausea to hit.....it never came. We waited for the bone pain to set in after his Neulasta shot to help bring his white counts up.....it never came. It's so hard not to get a sense of deja vu - Ian had the exact same chemo regimen and remembering how it affected him is still fresh. Once again, Alex is setting his own course and amazing us all. And in it, I see God reminding me He's still watching over my son; He's still intervening on his behalf.
God continues to speak through friends.
God continues to speak through His creation. A box of essential oils showed up on our doorstep a few weeks ago and we have been religiously using them to help Alex fight this cancer. It's a small thing I can DO to help; I can't say for sure if these oils are helping keep his nausea and pain away but I like to think they are. I've always believed that every plant on this earth was put here for a purpose and we are actively testing that theory in our home every night. Alex and I have gotten into a routine every night and since it includes a foot massage for him, he's not complaining.
God continues to speak through men like Rick Warren who speak to my heart on a daily basis reminding me what faith can/should look like.
God continues to speak....
when we are angry.
When we are hurt and wounded.
When 'whys' consume our days.
When we are done listening.
When the fear is overwhelming.
We started Alex's second round of chemo on the 20th of December at a new place with new nurses with a new regimen for him. We had gone through a horrible day getting his port put in and were quickly finding out it was for nothing.....the port wasn't functioning. The premeds and saline they were giving him was simply pouring into his skin and swelling it up like a balloon - all that discomfort and waiting for nothing and I felt like it was my fault because I pushed for the port thinking it would save him from at least some pain. The decision was eventually made to abandon the port and have a PICC line put in.
I was angry....angry at the wasted time, of Alex's pain while they poked and prodded trying to access the port, angry for what he had gone through in getting the stupid thing implanted....so I remembered what my friend had said and called on Jesus' name to intervene. The answer came in a different form then I intended and not as quickly as I wanted but it came. After the PICC line was in, the rest of Alex's hospital stay was astonishingly smooth. He encountered none of the side effects he had during his first round of chemo. His nurses were wonderful; knowledgeable and attentive and we were home in time for Christmas.
Then we waited. We waited for the nausea to hit.....it never came. We waited for the bone pain to set in after his Neulasta shot to help bring his white counts up.....it never came. It's so hard not to get a sense of deja vu - Ian had the exact same chemo regimen and remembering how it affected him is still fresh. Once again, Alex is setting his own course and amazing us all. And in it, I see God reminding me He's still watching over my son; He's still intervening on his behalf.
God continues to speak through friends.
God continues to speak through His creation. A box of essential oils showed up on our doorstep a few weeks ago and we have been religiously using them to help Alex fight this cancer. It's a small thing I can DO to help; I can't say for sure if these oils are helping keep his nausea and pain away but I like to think they are. I've always believed that every plant on this earth was put here for a purpose and we are actively testing that theory in our home every night. Alex and I have gotten into a routine every night and since it includes a foot massage for him, he's not complaining.
God continues to speak through men like Rick Warren who speak to my heart on a daily basis reminding me what faith can/should look like.
God continues to speak....
when we are angry.
When we are hurt and wounded.
When 'whys' consume our days.
When we are done listening.
When the fear is overwhelming.
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