I'll get to the point, Alex's latest PET scan was not what we were expecting. We had been so busy dealing with his multiple infections and feeling reassured that his blood tests were looking good, that having a PET scan that wasn't 'clean' came as a bit of surprise.....but not completely because this is our life, after all.
Deja vu is a terrible thing.....words and phrases can trigger memories and emotions and send you back in time. Sitting in the same exam room, hearing the same phrases, "puzzling", "brown fat", "this isn't making a lot of sense"; same words - different son - same sinking feeling. Some people are triggered by Trump, I'm triggered by "brown fat".
Alex's PET scan showed some activity in the neck area as well as some strange spots in the upper spine (strange because they are perfectly symmetrical - lymphoma isn't usually symmetrical). His doctor checks Alex everywhere and can't find any swollen lymph nodes. He is thinking of ANYTHING that might account for these results. Was he tense that day? Was he clearing his throat a lot during the scan? Could it be a reaction to his infection showing up in the scan? We're grabbing at straws.
There is one lymph node, deep in his neck that is 'lit up'. Perhaps under a muscle. So Alex will go in for a biopsy on Monday, February 28th at Sierra Vista. We've been to Sierra Vista before and Alex is comfortable there; the nurses and radiologists are nice and he did like the Valium they gave him beforehand to calm him (he is his mother's son).
Some will say, 'don't worry, God's got this'. I have been on both sides of that statement; I've seen firsthand God's rescuing Alex either with a miraculous intervention or just pure mercy. I've also been upfront and center when God doesn't rescue you and the pain of that so outweighs the snatches of mercy. We've had almost thirty years of 'hits', all life-threatening issues with our children. If I'm perfectly honest, I'm having a hard time trusting God with the outcome of this. I trusted Him thru Alex's heart transplant. I trusted Him thru the ups and downs of the years that immediately followed. I trusted Him through Alex's first bout with cancer. I trusted Him through the painful surgeries and illnesses that crept up afterward. I trusted Him when Ian was diagnosed. I even managed to hang on (by a thread) to trust after Ian died. But this.....it's simple and heart-wrenching at the same time - I don't trust Him not to shred my heart again. I believe in Him. I believe He is in control. I believe He can protect Alex, I just don't know if he will. I don't know if I can survive it.....again. What Eric & I wouldn't give for the normal, dull or mundane.
In the meantime, my son just wants to get on with his life. He wants to bowl, and ride horses and try flag-football......so I paste on a smile and help him do the things he loves. I try not to think about the possibilities but I've given up mascara again, it's safer that way. So I will curl up in a ball, have a good cry then put on my Mama Bear panties again and fight alongside my son.
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